10 Invisible Losses After Birth Trauma or a Challenging Postpartum Period
Written by Becca Gasperoni, associate marriage and family therapist at Thrive Therapy
If you experienced a challenging birth or encountered unexpected difficulties in postpartum, you might feel a deep sense of grief or loss for the moments you didn’t get to experience. These losses often feel invisible; few people recognize them and you can feel isolated, confused, and unsure of how to hold space for your grief. Invisible losses aren’t easy to see, but they are deeply felt by those who carry them.
In many instances, you might not even realize you lost something until you hear another parent sharing part of their birth story or talking about their feeding journey with their baby, or if you’ve ever joined a new parent group and realized your experience feels different, and suddenly you feel a deep sense of loss that no one else recognizes.
If you’re experiencing this, you’re not alone. Here are 10 invisible losses that often accompany a challenging birth or a difficult postpartum period.
10 Invisible Losses After Birth Trauma or a Challenging Postpartum Period
1. Loss of ease and celebration when sharing your birth story
When our birth experience didn’t go the way we envisioned or if we encountered complications in postpartum, it can be difficult to share our birth story with others. You can feel paralyzed when people ask you about your birth, and you often feel torn between not wanting to overshare about your trauma or experience, while also feeling a wave of sadness about not being able to share your birth story with excitement, ease, or celebration.
2. Being unable to feed your baby the way you imagined
If you were unable to feed your baby the way you originally imagined, you can feel a deep sense of loss. Perhaps you didn’t even realize you felt grief around your feeding journey until you went to a parent group and saw other mothers breastfeeding their babies, or until someone asked you about how you feed your baby. Although there is no one right way when it comes to feeding your baby, losing your sense of choice and control in your baby’s feeding journey can be a deeply felt loss that others don’t recognize.
3. Missing the golden hour
Maybe you pictured the golden hour throughout your pregnancy and imagined that magical moment after birth when your baby would be placed on your chest and you’d immediately feel bonded and connected. If you missed out on this moment, you might feel an intense sense of grief and perhaps even a fear about how this loss could affect your bond with your baby. Missing the golden hour does not hinder your ability to bond or attach with your baby, but this invisible loss can still feel heavy.
4. Not using your maternity leave to rest and bond with your baby
If you or your baby experienced medical complications, you might not have spent your maternity or paternity leave the way you imagined. This is especially true for parents with babies in the NICU who often use most of their paid leave visiting their baby in the hospital. Rather than resting and bonding with your baby at home, most NICU parents use their time to commute to the hospital and recover from delivery at their baby’s bedside. If you experienced a medical complication yourself, you might need to use your maternity leave to focus on your physical and emotional recovery. Most people don’t recognize how heavy and exhausting this loss can feel, especially when others remind you to be grateful for you and your baby’s health once you’re home.
5. Not being the first person to hold, bathe, or feed your baby
Birth trauma, medical complications, or your baby being born prematurely or born with unexpected complications might mean that you are not the first person to hold, feed, or bathe your baby. Missing these important firsts can be an intensely felt loss that others just can’t understand or see.
6. Being unable to immediately celebrate the arrival of your baby
If complications or unexpected challenges got in the way of being able to immediately celebrate the arrival of your baby, you are not alone in grieving this experience. Seeing other people’s birth announcements or pictures from their birth can feel really triggering if your first moments with your baby weren’t purely celebratory.
7. Missing baby showers or maternity photos
If your pregnancy didn’t go the way you planned or your baby was born prematurely, you might have lost the opportunity to celebrate with a baby shower or take maternity photos. Receiving invitations to baby showers or seeing maternity photos on social media might make you realize you’re grieving this loss more intensely than you initially realized.
8. Not taking your baby home right away
Medical complications for you or your baby can mean that you don’t get to take your baby home with you right away. Leaving the hospital without your baby is a heartbreaking experience, and you might feel a wave of emotions ranging from grief, anger, fear, and guilt.Losing the experience of carrying your baby out of the hospital and driving home with them is an incredibly heavy invisible loss.
9. Having to reconsider and rethink plans to grow your family
Maybe you’ve always imagined expanding your family and having another baby in the future. If you experienced a traumatic birth or a challenging postpartum period, those plans can feel uncertain and scary. Perhaps you feel a sense of loss for the excitement you used to feel when envisioning growing your family, or maybe these plans have changed entirely. It can be especially triggering when people ask you about your plans to have another baby in the future, and others usually can’t recognize this loss from the outside.
10. Losing a sense of safety in your body
After a challenging birth or a difficult postpartum experience, we can lose the sense of safety and confidence in our bodies that we once took for granted. Especially with cultural messaging that encourages us to trust our bodies and states that “our bodies always know what to do”, we can feel a sense of distrust in our body if our birth experience or postpartum didn’t go as we planned. If you had difficulties breastfeeding, experienced a medical complication, or your birth didn’t go as you imagined, you might carry guilt, anxiety, or fear, and you might be grieving the loss of your previous relationship with your body.
If any of these invisible losses resonated with you, it can be helpful to dedicate time and space for grieving and honoring your journey. Connecting with a therapist who specializes in perinatal mental health can help you learn the tools you need to thrive. Reach out to one of us at Thrive Therapy to learn more about how we can support you on your journey.
Did this post resonate? Join us for our upcoming webinar to deepen the topic, gain tools and cultivate healing in your invisible processing.
Details: RSVP here for our virtual webinar on Friday February 29th at noon.
About Becca Gasperoni
Becca’s approach is warm, collaborative, and tailored to your unique strengths and goals. I’ll support you with compassion while also challenging you to push past the discomfort of growth, with the goal of achieving greater connection, joy, and purpose. Through a combined approach of mindfulness-based, cognitive behavioral, and psychodynamic frameworks, I’ll help you challenge lifelong patterns, address old wounds and traumas, and create a deeper and more compassionate sense of self.
Areas of interest: Pregnant and postpartum women, NICU parents, trauma, PTSD and high achieving perfectionists processing anxiety.
Becca is EMDR trained and is in the process of her perinatal certification through Postpartum Support International. Reach out to her directly to connect and see if working together would be a good fit.
About Thrive Therapy Santa Barbara
Thrive Therapy Santa Barbara is located in the heart of downtown Santa Barbara and offers in person therapy in our mountain view office and telehealth sessions throughout the state of California.
Thrive holds significant meaning for us. To thrive means: to grow through the hard things we go through. And when paired with therapy, we can’t imagine a better way to describe the heart, grit and tenacity it takes to do the brave work of looking inward, gently and kindly unlearn, heal and hold space for the lived experiences we’ve journeyed through.
At Thrive Therapy we specialize in working with pregnancy + postpartum mental health, We support pregnant and postpartum moms and non birthing parents navigating postpartum mood and anxiety disorders (PMADS). Some clients reach out to navigate birth trauma, while others notice they are experiencing postpartum anxiety, postpartum depression or are struggling to synthesize the changes they are navigating and intergrate newfound parenthood into who they are today.
We also support individuals navigating disordered eating and body image, alongside anxiety, depression, grief and trauma.
We believe that therapy should feel inviting, warm and create a container to feel comfortable to open up. Enjoy a cup of a coffee or a la croix from our fridge, make yourself comfortable on our cozy white linen couch and enjoy our fiddle plants and neutral aesthetic as you sink into the moment and engage in your session.
Check out our current group offerings or reach out to schedule a complimentary consultation for individual therapy or group therapy in Santa Barbara, California. | hello@thrivetherapysb.com