When parenting gets stormy: navigating the challenges of early parenthood
Written by Annie Dreese, MA, AMFT and therapist at Thrive Therapy Santa Barbara. Read more about her here.
You feel like you JUST fell asleep, when suddenly the sound of the baby crying comes from down the hall. You wait, they wait, you wait, and finally you huff and throw the covers back “I guess I’ll go!” As you stumble toward the nursery, your partner follows close behind, tensions simmering beneath the surface.
"I can't do this anymore," through gritted teeth, the strain of sleepless nights evident in your voice.
Your partner's brow furrows, frustration bubbling to the surface. "It's not like I'm getting any sleep either," they retort, their words laced with resentment.
It's a moment of pure exhaustion. You know deep down that both you AND your partner are doing your best to manage the huge changes that come with adding a new baby to the family… but in the darkest part of the night, it feels somehow like they’re the ones to blame for ALL of it. (and psst, they feel the same way about you right now).
Sound familiar?
Early parenthood can challenge even the strongest relationships, and there are many reasons for it.There are some common challenges as well as ways you can prioritize your partnership to weather even the most challenging of days, and remain on the same team as your partner.
There are a million reasons why becoming parents challenges us as both individuals and couples, but there are a few common challenges that couples might face when becoming parents…
Common challenges in early parenting:
The mental load: Beyond the sleepless nights and diaper changes, there's an invisible burden that weighs heavily on many parents – the mental load. It's the never-ending to-do list that looms over your head, a constant reminder of the endless tasks that demand your attention. There are often feelings of “unfairness” around who carries the majority of this load.
Families and boundaries: Navigating relationships with extended family members can add another layer of complexity. From complex relationships with in-laws to differing parenting styles, maintaining boundaries and unity as a couple becomes a delicate balancing act.
Expectations vs. reality: No matter how prepared you feel, there are ways that the day to day reality of being parents is different from the expectations we have, leaving many couples grappling with the stark contrast between what they imagined and the messy reality of sleepless nights and endless demands.
Changes in communication: As roles and responsibilities shift with the arrival of a child, communication between partners can suffer. From misunderstandings to unmet needs, to a pure lack of uninterrupted time to talk, learning to navigate these changes is essential for preserving intimacy and connection.
The good news is there are certain skills and protective factors that can support you and your partner and your relationship in navigating the chaos, and support you to enjoy the beautiful mess that is parenthood.
Protective Factors:
Crisis management skills: Building strong communication skills is essential for weathering the inevitable storms of parenthood. Learning to listen with empathy, express emotions constructively, and problem-solve as a team can strengthen the foundation of your relationship.
Individual well-being: Prioritizing self-care and mental health is crucial for both partners. From carving out moments of solitude to seeking support when needed, tending to your own well-being ensures you can show up fully for your partner and family.
"Team vision" and a family story: Creating a shared vision for your family and weaving a cohesive "family story" can provide a sense of purpose and unity. By identifying common goals, values, and traditions, you lay the groundwork for a resilient and thriving family unit.
Parenthood is a journey fraught with challenges, but it's also an opportunity for growth, connection, and the most profound love. By acknowledging and addressing the common challenges and learning some key skills, couples can proactively strengthen their relationship. Embracing protective factors such as crisis management skills, individual well-being, and a shared "team vision" lays the groundwork for a resilient and thriving family unit. Remember, you're in this together, and with patience, understanding, and a shared commitment, you can weather any storm. (Think: “cozy snuggled up together inside with hot chocolate and popcorn” rather than “standing outside alone in the rain with no coat on!”.)
Therapy can be a supportive tool in accessing some of these protective factors to support your family. Reach out today to learn more about how couples and family therapy can support you through the early days of family life!
Did this blog post resonate? Join us for an upcoming webinar and in person workshop to deepen your communication, collaboration and camaraderie with your partner as you navigate early parenthood.
RSVP for our virtual webinar on Wednesday March 6th at 11am or RSVP to join us in person *babies and partners welcome! at Alice Keck Park on Wednesday May 1st at 4pm.
Can’t make the live webinar? Sign up anyway! We’ll send you the recording so you can re-watch or connect with your partner around the takeaways at any time.
Want to take it a step further? Reach out to Annie for a complimentary consultation to see if early parenting therapy would be supportive for your partnership.
about thrive therapy
Thrive Therapy Santa Barbara is located in the heart of downtown Santa Barbara and offers in person therapy in our mountain view office and telehealth sessions throughout the state of California.
Thrive holds significant meaning for us. To thrive means: to grow through the hard things we go through. And when paired with therapy, we can’t imagine a better way to describe the heart, grit and tenacity it takes to do the brave work of looking inward, gently and kindly unlearn, heal and hold space for the lived experiences we’ve journeyed through.
At Thrive Therapy we specialize in working with pregnancy + postpartum mental health, We support pregnant and postpartum moms and non birthing parents navigating postpartum mood and anxiety disorders (PMADS). Some clients reach out to navigate birth trauma, while others notice they are experiencing postpartum anxiety, postpartum depression or are struggling to synthesize the changes they are navigating and intergrate newfound parenthood into who they are today.
We also support individuals navigating disordered eating and body image, alongside anxiety, depression, grief and trauma.
We believe that therapy should feel inviting, warm and create a container to feel comfortable to open up. Enjoy a cup of a coffee or a la croix from our fridge, make yourself comfortable on our cozy white linen couch and enjoy our fiddle plants and neutral aesthetic as you sink into the moment and engage in your session.
Check out our current group offerings or reach out to schedule a complimentary consultation for individual therapy or group therapy in Santa Barbara, California. | hello@thrivetherapysb.com