Grieving the Loss of the Parenthood I Envisioned
Written by Jill Rubinelli, MA, AMFT and therapist at Thrive Therapy Santa Barbara
A planned pregnancy is one of the most exciting experiences a family can have. The thought of holding your healthy newborn sparks many emotions, which carries you through months of your changing body and hormones. When the vision of that precious newborn changes, your world is shattered in an instant and you are grieving the normalcy that you’ve lost, attuning to your physical needs, while still having the expectation of taking care of your family. The societal expectation of becoming a mother places so many demands on women, and all too common, we rise to the occasion, but when your world crashes, and you are grieving the traumatic loss of the parenthood you envisioned, who will take care of you.
You and your partner have just been given devastating news from your doctor that your pregnancy has a complication. Perhaps you’ve been diagnosed with gestational diabetes or pre-eclampsia and your unborn baby is too big or too small and you need an emergency c-section, or there is a genetic abnormality that may cause an unforeseen birth defect. Once you overcome the trauma of the diagnosis you are left alone to process this life-altering news. Where and how do you even begin to process that loss? No one can understand the depth of your pain. In this moment, it doesn’t matter that grief is a natural response. It doesn’t matter that it is a personal experience that takes time to process. It doesn’t matter that your partner, who has received the same news as you, is suffering as well. You were supposed to have a beautiful, healthy, bouncing baby, and now, instead of feeling hopeful and excited you feel angry, sad, disappointed, and maybe even, guilty. What do you do with all those emotions? This is not fair! This is not how it was supposed to be.
Your heart is broken, and you feel so alone. Where do you direct your rage? That’s where we come in. Marriage and Family Therapists are specially trained to provide support to individuals, couples, and families working through these types of excruciatingly painful situations. We help you create meaning out of difficult experiences, and in time, we help you find hope.
Though grief takes many forms and lasts as long as it lasts, the common understanding is that it has five stages:
1. Denial may show up as disbelief that this is actually happening where you choose to continue on as if nothing has changed. You, literally, block out the information the doctor told you.
2. Anger can look like irritability directed at everyone and everything around you. You may find yourself snapping at your partner, your co-workers, or your other children; yelling at the cashier at Target or the delivery person who placed your Amazon package in the wrong spot on your porch.
3. When bargaining begins, you may find yourself asking a higher power to trade something, anything, for the health of your baby’s. “Please God, if you make the baby healthy, I’ll give up [insert random triviality here].”
4. Once defeat or depression rolls around, you may be exhausted and unable to get out of bed. You just want the whole ordeal to be over. You’ve lost the will to take care of yourself and your family. Everything is gray.
5. Then, eventually, with time, comes acceptance. You’ve processed your loss at having a picture-perfect birthing story. Your story has changed, and you have changed because of it. You have raged against the machine that has dealt you this awful blow, but you are ready to face the challenge head-on. And you have hope – hope that what is to come, while not being what you originally had wished for, will bring joy nonetheless.
Thriving through the grief of loss in parenthood
The stages don’t come in any particular order. Some stages may repeat themselves long after you’ve thought you’ve recovered. Some stages may not come at all. Your process is as individual and unique as you are, and it will take time to heal.
It is important to remember as you navigate your way through your grief, there are many ways to define a beautiful family; many ways to describe a picture-perfect birthing story. Try to remain flexible and open to new possibilities to create a meaningful path to the growth and development of what your future family will be.
about thrive therapy
Thrive Therapy Santa Barbara is located in the heart of downtown Santa Barbara and offers in person therapy in our mountain view office and telehealth sessions throughout the state of California.
Thrive holds significant meaning for us. To thrive means: to grow through the hard things we go through. And when paired with therapy, we can’t imagine a better way to describe the heart, grit and tenacity it takes to do the brave work of looking inward, gently and kindly unlearn, heal and hold space for the lived experiences we’ve journeyed through.
At Thrive Therapy we specialize in working with pregnancy + postpartum mental health, We support pregnant and postpartum moms and non birthing parents navigating postpartum mood and anxiety disorders (PMADS). Some clients reach out to navigate birth trauma, while others notice they are experiencing postpartum anxiety, postpartum depression or are struggling to synthesize the changes they are navigating and intergrate newfound parenthood into who they are today.
We also support individuals navigating disordered eating and body image, alongside anxiety, depression, grief and trauma.
We believe that therapy should feel inviting, warm and create a container to feel comfortable to open up. Enjoy a cup of a coffee or a la croix from our fridge, make yourself comfortable on our cozy white linen couch and enjoy our fiddle plants and neutral aesthetic as you sink into the moment and engage in your session.
Check out our current group offerings or reach out to schedule a complimentary consultation for individual therapy or group therapy in Santa Barbara, California. | hello@thrivetherapysb.com